of panics attacks and quarter-life crisis

Dear Reader, today I had my very first panic-attack. Now,I am not really the type to lose it but wow! did I go into major hyperventilate mode or what? Seriously though, I can feel the futility of my hysterics as the object over which I lost my senses; missing a tiny USB drive, was found minutes later. So really, why did I go overboard?


Honesty, I cannot say why this happened. However, I can tell you quite frankly that panic attacks are not pleasant at all. They leave you feeling physically drained and mentally exhausted. My chest hurt and I had difficulty breathing, so much so, that I felt like I was being choked.

My mother had to shake me to help me snap out of it. It would be comical, were it not so disturbing. I am generally calm and practical by nature and do not lose it often, yet, today, all it took was a little incident to send me into hysterics. 

As I sat in solitude, post meltdown, slurping a milkshake (comfort drink) I found myself thinking about all the others who suffer from panic- attacks entirely out of the blue. I realised that this phenomenon has become alarmingly common, especially amongst a certain set of individuals. They of the 'steely control over emotions' type.
 
I found, much to my horror the reason behind my embarrassing episode of hysterics (there were strangers present) - I am going through a Quarter-life crisis.  Yes Dear Reader it's unfortunately true! Much of my time is spent in complete isolation and I am becoming increasingly neurotic everyday. Somedays, I find myself doing things and saying stuff that is plain bonkers, and not necessarily in the good way.


Why is it that some of us are so susceptible to having a quarter- life crisis? In my case, I am probably the most collected (formerly) individual in my knowledge to be suffering through one. I suppose, that in my case it is the fact that I am at a stage in life when my life seems to be at a complete standstill. Were it not for my writing and this blog, I would have gone bat-shit crazy.

I previously thought that 'Quarter-Life Crisis' was new-age mumbo-jumbo to explain the erratic behaviour of misguided individuals. However, in my case I now want to state that it is an identity crisis as well as an existential one. So, I humbly beg the forgiveness from the cosmos for all those times when I curled my lips and pooh-poohed my fellow sufferers.

What happens, when in our 'quest to find ourselves', we take the wrong turn and end up getting lost? I send this question to all who have gone through something similar or just those wise and insightful people who could give Yoda a run for his money.   

Closet Romantic ??? Humm...

Dear Reader, I confess that I am the annoying one who makes those retching noises when faced with sickening sweet instances of romance. Stuff, that any normal person in my view would feel disgusted with. However, I have to grudgingly admit to something. I am a 'Closet Romantic'!
         
Although, I have no problems with that mystifying emotion "Love", romantic love for me is a myth as I am yet to experience that most talked about feeling. But I must grudgingly admit to being addicted to Romantic movies, especially rom-coms.

I know, I know that you are rolling your eyes just about now and wondering at my being a frustrating bundle of contradictions (my parents call me that...albeit fondly!). The truth is that there is nothing I enjoy more, than curling up on a rainy evening and watching a nice romance.This evening, I decided  on an old favourite 'You've got mail'.  I confess, that I  return to watch this Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan starrer every few months and each time I feel how awesome the movie actually is.

First of all, it contains one of the things that I love in a good film; wit and pithy conversation between characters. I just love the movie dear reader, on days that I feel blue, this movie lifts my spirits. I love the irony and the interesting moments....I just love the amazing chemistry between Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. I know that in 2013, the entire concept of meeting someone online seems weird, but the late 90's, when the film came out, was the era before cyber crimes and creepy cyber stalkers.
         
So, as dated as the film may seem, it still manages to be absolutely charming. I cannot help but wonder at my love for rom-coms though. It prompted me to think why I, a girl in my 20's despite being practical to a degree, secretly watch movies that I have in company, long  pooh poohed.

So, dear reader, am I a "Closet Romantic"? I suppose I am... I love life and all it's beautiful moments. I love waking up to the koel's melodious chirping outside my bedroom window, I love the  cooling rain and how it makes everything seem brighter, I love my mom's hugs as they always make me feel warm and cosy, I love the way my father tries to hide his smile at my antics behind a grumble and fails, I love to make my sister roll her eyes and smile at my idiotic comments and most of all, I love the fact that I am at a time in my life when I feel all of the above with my whole being.

Am I a Romantic??? What say?

Music, flowers, books....and rain

My Dear Reader, I can't remember the first time I stopped to smell flowers,the first time I picked up the pen to write, or even the first song I listened to over and over again...I cannot even think of the first book that made me fall in love with reading...yet, these are the things that give me the most pleasure. These....and then the rain.

It's that time of the year again, yes! The monsoons are here. The time to fall back under the the spell of mother nature in her many majestic hues is here. So, I have paused, just for a bit to admire the gorgeous gift from nature that is-Rain.    

I have previously written about stopping and taking the time to appreciate the things that really matter. However, I find myself guilty of rushing by the things that give me real pleasure. So, I have resolved to take in the beautiful fragrance of the flowers that bloom during this lovely monsoon season. They seem brighter and more fragrant. I find myself wondering, if it is so because of the life-giving rains or because I haven't noticed their charms for a while.

The pitter-patter sound that the raindrops are currently making on the windowsill, have proved to be an inspiration for me to write this post after weeks of writer's block. Dear reader, I must tell you what a relief it is for me to finally be able to write again. The past couple of  weeks have been trying, as I was unable to retreat into my world and write.

I am listening to a golden oldie whilst I write these words. The lyrics roughly translate to the rain, bringing back the love of your life... Isn't that a wonderful sentiment. Rain brings so many things, melancholy, solitude, pain, longing, bliss and that most powerful of emotions, love.

What better sentiment to dwell upon than love, even if it is unrequited.  A great book that tells the story of love and yearning seems like the perfect companion on this wet evening. When all outdoor activity ceases, the best way to unwind is curling up and retreating into the world of exhilarating words, that remind one of how amazing writers actually are. I can't help but be inspired by the sheer genius that some individuals have of weaving great stories.

So, dear reader, this monsoon do all the things that remind you of why life and her many wonderful moments that are so like the myriad drops of rain, quenching the parched soul with vitality.

in which I muse about the sheer idiocy of "Writer's Block"

Dear Reader,

Yes it's me...remember me? The opinionated comedy of errors. Well I'm back... I know that all of you are mystified as to why I pulled the old vanishing trick. Well, prepare yourself to be horrified......I had a severe case of writer's block. I mean a BAD one people!!! I now give you leave to be totally sympathetic.

It was horrible my dear reader. I would get all these words in my head, bursting to be put on paper and yet all I could manage was stare at a blank sheet. So basically NOTHING. I couldn't even manage a single coherent sentence.

So many of you are writers out there, some of you are probably ones, whose work I would totally love reading. I am sure that you have faced that loathsome dragon called "Writer's Block". Well, what is it anyway? Is it the sheer frustration of not being able to craft a single sentence from the jumble of thoughts running in one's head?
If yes, then I was indeed plagued by that nasty beast! I wish that I had a way to defeat said beast though....... In a perfect world, writers would never be victims of something as mundane as "Writer's Block"!! By which I mean,  Bleh!!!..........Well, the name itself is soo unimaginative as to suggest that it was definitely coined by a person who couldn't write to save his/her life!

In a writer's world though, if one did have the misfortune to face the despicable beast, one would have dozens of weapons in one's arsenal to trounce the dull creature....Enchanted swords, shields and spheres, magic, spells, the wand of destiny ( thank you J K Rowling! ), or in really fairytale like instance ( where feminism doesn't exist) .... An all powerful handsome prince to do the trouncing on behalf of the lovely maiden who just happens to be a brilliant writer!!!

Alas, in the real world, all one can do is eat ice cream, do all the mundane things that are majorly avoidable. And lament over the loss of many great thoughts and words, that potentially, in one's mind at least could have   been that one successful, publishable idea!

So many event's took place in the meantime, at home and out in the world that I had opinions about. The writer in me iched to put these opinions to paper, being unable to watch these thoughts come to life on paper was torture. I may come across a touch dramatic, but really, the life of a writer would be boring indeed  if not for a healthy dose of drama, real or imagined.  And what could be more threatening or dramatic than "Writer's block" eh?

So, imagine my agony dear reader feel, at least a tiny amount of sympathy. And in case you are a writer like yours truly, empathise, and write back with your tale of woe. Know that here, you'll find a willing and true comrade. 

Dear Reader, I was reading Alexander's Pope's 'Eloisa to Abelard' and now I can't seem to get these lines out of my head so I feel compelled to write them down..

Look at me, my beloved, for it is when you look that I feel alive,
When you burn, I catch, fire
Oh yes, it is when you look at me that I feel alive....
Like Galatea compelled to come to life by the love of her creator Pygmalion....
Look at me my love, for the light in your eyes makes me feel like a work of a Renaissance Master,
Beautiful, yet simple....aloof yet passionate.....calm yet turbulent...Oh yes, just look at me once....just once..
Alas, we are to be apart forever......so let me be the Eloise to your Abelard....let me be Isolde to your Tristan...oh let me be...
Look at me my beloved, one last time....let me feel beautiful, desired, loved.....Let me feel human just once before I turn back to stone, before I wither in my bloom, lost forever to my gloom.....The poet who penned these did know a little about parting...So look at me one last time beloved let me see that soft light in your eyes, the one that makes me feel warm inside...although our love will forever be chaste, I feel like I've experienced all the passions love brings.....so, look at me...oh look at me my beloved, for I love you back.... so,  let me say all that is unsaid through my eyes to yours....
Through my heart to yours.......

Frederick William Burton, Hellelil and Hildebrand, The Meeting on the Turret Stairs, 1864 

in which I protest against being cyber-bullied

Dear Reader, most of you read my blog through the various groups on Linkedin. I inadvertently got embroiled in a nonsensical debate about 'what we should post onto such public forums. The crusader for propah posts was a lady sitting continents away who pointed out that since she was in the 'Business' of writing, she condescendingly pointed out... 

"This is not the place to recycle blog posts or other communications that are more suited to Facebook or a "witty conversation" Website. Unless your "experiences" have to do with the business of writing, post them on a more appropriate forum. 

The only comment you got on this post was a negative one. That should be a BIG CLUE to you that your audience is not here. Common sense and good marketing skills would seem to dictate that if you want folks to read what you write, go where your audience is. Otherwise you will continue to be ignored. "

Needless to say, the above comment provoked others to speak out in my defence. They assured me that I was not a complete non-entity and that I should post what I wished to. This debate has given rise to a really interesting question...Is freedom of speech and expression in this age of communication a Utopian concept. 

I know that there will always be those who dislike my written works and strongly disagree with my point of view. However, I have deep reservations against those who practice a form of Cyber- Bullying, for example posting rude comments, treating public forums as arenas to humiliate complete strangers continents away, trying to establish hegemony over these public forums, becoming self-appointed arbitrators of content etc.

Bullying in any form is inappropriate and disturbing and I refuse to be cowed down into not exercising this hard won freedom of speech and expression, which in my opinion is a basic human right. 

Writing for me is not a 'Business', the power to write is actually not a luxury than many in my country have, as illiteracy is unfortunately still rampant. Therefore, I feel incredibly privileged to be able to communicate through the written word. Art in any form should be for a purpose, even if it is to make people laugh through a display of wit. Thus the art of the written word is definitely not a 'Business' according to me. 

I also believe in civility towards all, even those who are my critics. However, I take umbrage to the use of such a negative comment on a public forum.I have never in anyway tried to give offence and yet, I have been subjected to such vicious statements by someone who doesn't know me at all. I wonder what caused the lady (who I am sure is perfectly amiable) to dislike me so? 

I confess, that as a self obsessed Journalist-writer I feel smug...You may wonder why? well, my professor at university used to like saying that "every 'Writer worth his/ her salt' should be subjected to vicious criticism and unnecessary controversies, it is what makes them realise the incredible power of the written word, after all the pen is mightier than the sword." 

I suppose, now that I have actually become, dare I say, a 'Writer worth my salt' , I'll be spared hate mail? Alas, dear reader, we do not exist is a utopian world and I'll always commit written faux pas due to my unfortunate penchant for the ridiculous and the absurd. 

Thus the tilted view of the entire brouhaha over a random girl's post on a random public forum is ...Does one really have to be proper and follow all the rules as a writer? As an Argumentative Indian, I'd like to say that had Gandhi followed the rules, he would still be a long-dead moderately successful lawyer in South Africa.

Good conversation is the best cure for a horrible mood

Hello Dear Reader, I have had the most amazing experience yesterday, I met nice people and spent the entire time engaging in witty and intelligent conversation.

I have had the good fortune of meeting interesting people and have recently been quite social. Now even if I generally prefer my own company, I love interacting with people every now and then. Yesterday was one that was really needed after the idiotic weekend. Anyway have you ever noticed how sometimes all we need is a bit of fun.

I confess that I was in a way relieved that I hadn't had the chance to over brood and over analyse the my predicament. I did make sure to drop hints into the ear of concerned parties about the pervy ##$$$@@ accessing my laptop and that's that. Your concern however was touching and I had a laugh at some of your 'innovative' suggestions.

I end with a quote from that genius, Jane Austen from her novel "Persuasion"

“My idea of good company...is the company of clever, well-informed people, who have a great deal of conversation; that is what I call good company." 
Anne Elliot to her cousin Mr Elliot 

in which a complete stranger invades my privacy!!

Dear Reader, yes, I made the mistake of leaving my laptop in the presence of a complete stranger, who I have discovered to my horror accessed my laptop and saw my private data! What horrifies me most is that he saw some of my private writings meant only for my eyes only.

I didn't realise that the act of leaving my laptop lying around would invite the **&&&### to actually read my private files, one which was saved in a confidential file! I feel violated right now, I feel exposed. In this techno -savvy  age, our computers have become an extension of our personalities, they are the equivalents of personal diaries, one which holds our deepest and most embarrassing secrets - our music, photos, ebooks etc.

You cannot imagine my chagrin at discovering this person's actually having used my laptop, I feel exposed to this intrusive gaze. The fact that he is a man, a person I don't really like, and also that he used the 15 mins of my absence to actually use my laptop without my permission has made me feel really vulnerable.

However, it has taught me a valuable lesson; and I'll NEVER leave my laptop lying about (this happened in my home; but still...). I also wonder at the voyeuristic tendency of certain individuals, what gives them the right to actually violate other peoples'privacy so? I send this question into the 'void'...What are your thoughts dear void?