Dear Reader, for some time now, I have been going through the motions, the daily grind so to speak. I confess I have been on the down low for a while and have been suffering from frequent bouts of inadequacy and anxiety. I thought that I had made my peace with my looks when I turned 25, but oh how wrong was I!
To counter these feelings I recently jumped on the fitness tracker bandwagon. I have to admit that I am noticing an immediate difference in my outlook as well as exercise output. But, I realize that there is a deeper cause to my feeling off kilter, it is just that I am a women. We are forever conditioned to be positive, beautiful, perfect, modest...it is honestly exhausting. Oh how I wish that it was ok to be waspish and irritable and completely and utterly negative and pessimistic. The aspects of our own life that keep such a tight leash on! It really is exhausting.
There are so many ways that we are told by people to love ourselves, whilst I do agree as a feminist...I really do, but how I wish that I could be negative once in a while and hate myself in the good old fashioned masochistic way. Is it really that bad to hate one's image? And why? For me the worst is when I complain and someone just pipes in cheerfully or worse admonishes me about my negative bent. The absolute worst are the well meaning scolds about "How beautiful and perfect I am" by near and dear ones.
I suppose all this anxiety stems from the fact that despite being an active person, I have never been the "ideal" body type. Whenever people see me workout, they either marvel at my 'ability', 'fitness levels' or 'dedication' or start offering unsolicited advice about improving my stature or lose weight. What troubles and occasionally upsets me is the absolute disregard for my privacy. The freewheeling and pointed comments on my body are rather disturbing and quite frankly intrusive. I feel like I am constantly underpinned by this imaginary gaze that will not let me relax! I wish it wasn't so, but it is the irony that I face. I want to hide and be private in this age, where there is absolutely no privacy.
Oh, I pretend to be blind to the looks and deaf to the comments but it is painful! painful I say! I send this question out into the void. Do you too feel anxious and the need to hide after the constant microscopic attention
To counter these feelings I recently jumped on the fitness tracker bandwagon. I have to admit that I am noticing an immediate difference in my outlook as well as exercise output. But, I realize that there is a deeper cause to my feeling off kilter, it is just that I am a women. We are forever conditioned to be positive, beautiful, perfect, modest...it is honestly exhausting. Oh how I wish that it was ok to be waspish and irritable and completely and utterly negative and pessimistic. The aspects of our own life that keep such a tight leash on! It really is exhausting.
There are so many ways that we are told by people to love ourselves, whilst I do agree as a feminist...I really do, but how I wish that I could be negative once in a while and hate myself in the good old fashioned masochistic way. Is it really that bad to hate one's image? And why? For me the worst is when I complain and someone just pipes in cheerfully or worse admonishes me about my negative bent. The absolute worst are the well meaning scolds about "How beautiful and perfect I am" by near and dear ones.
I suppose all this anxiety stems from the fact that despite being an active person, I have never been the "ideal" body type. Whenever people see me workout, they either marvel at my 'ability', 'fitness levels' or 'dedication' or start offering unsolicited advice about improving my stature or lose weight. What troubles and occasionally upsets me is the absolute disregard for my privacy. The freewheeling and pointed comments on my body are rather disturbing and quite frankly intrusive. I feel like I am constantly underpinned by this imaginary gaze that will not let me relax! I wish it wasn't so, but it is the irony that I face. I want to hide and be private in this age, where there is absolutely no privacy.
Oh, I pretend to be blind to the looks and deaf to the comments but it is painful! painful I say! I send this question out into the void. Do you too feel anxious and the need to hide after the constant microscopic attention
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