In which I muse whether I can still call myself a 'writer'

 A couple of weeks ago I met a remarkable woman, who is doing her all to preserve and, in some cases revive the otherwise moribund traditional arts and craft scene in India. Over a long discussion about our shared interests, which included books and music in addition to art, she suddenly asked me something that gave me pause; she asked me if I wrote and all I could say in reply was state bashfully that "I'm not clever enough!".

In my last post I had reflected over the past twelve years of maintaining this blog, which I have done so in opposition to my own personal demons, and crippling bouts of depression, physical ailments and grief, through sheer stubbornness. I finally came to a realization, one that left me bemused: I no longer feel confident enough to call myself a 'writer' ; compared to the time twelve years ago when it was all I could think of calling myself, it used to be my ultimate goal even back then whilst I was a trainee journalist, all I ever wanted to be was a writer, and write something meaningful, that would enrich the life of my readers. 

I even had the conceit to address this blog to my 'Dear Readers' in the vein of literary greats such as Charlotte Bronte...... What was I thinking? Perhaps, that the dream in which my words could be on someone's dusty shelf would come true, like a self fulfilling prophesy. Like so many of my oft berated generation, 'the millennials', I too started this blog and maintained it with the hope that one day I would amass followers who would acclaim my writing as the next big thing! Alas, like so many of my peers we cannot even lay claim to being called a 'writer' as we are only self published on our tiny corners of the internet where I suspect our only audience is the great void that is modern internet. 

Still, that one question: Do you write? and my hesitant denial... made me realize how the loss of aspirations and confidence in one's abilities has replaced ambition and hope. I don't mean for this to be a downer of a blog post, however, when did I change so much? What brought about such a dramatic turnaround? Will I ever return to confidently calling myself a 'writer' ? I send all the questions into the void...I know, I may never receive a reply. Yet, the hope that I can solve my own conundrum springs eternal.